The Big Ones
My what I call conscious journey began in 1989. I was at a major choice point in my life. In making the choice and going through the discomfort of it I learned a lot about how I show up in the world, and how much my unconscious was playing into my decisions and my life.
The title, "The Big Ones," refers to the more significant of my beliefs, my subconscious, and my programs. The ones that hold me down the most, and when realized AND released, give me peace, allow me to be present and move me the fastest toward the life I am seeking.
I want to share today about the "Big One" that came to my awareness this morning.
I have been doing my own work with the horses. The work where I invite the horses to offer me their wisdom.
Deux Time, or “Two” as we call her on the Challenge U Ranch, is a five-year-old half Arabian mare I bred and raised from birth. She is one of the most sensitive horses I have ever been around. Her flight response is quick: she flees first and looks to see what she is fleeing from later. Through fences, hot wires, people, gate panels, stocks -- no barrier will discourage Two when she deems something to be concerning. Such a heightened instinct makes for some interesting experiences for her and for me. It’s her sensitivity and unique viewpoint of her environment, however, I am finding to be her greatest gifts.
I engaged Two in a session not unlike what I share with clients.
"What it is time to release?” I silently asked.
Two replied, “Fear.”
I went into the pen with her to explore this question and the answer she offered. I hoped for an experience to help me move into new possibilities.
I noticed what surfaced for me. I sat with it. I watched Two’s responses, and I stayed connected to my insights.
At one point I heard myself say, "We are safe.”
In that instant Two pinned her ears and snaked her head toward me! I was quite taken aback!
This is very clear and important feedback. In that moment, the intensity of my horse teacher’s response confirmed how completely incongruent my thought actually was.
I was fascinated! In my body, I felt quite sure what I landed on was true. “No way, not true, not congruent,” Two sensed, and she gave me feedback accordingly.
After exploring more deeply, I realize this:
I do not feel safe in this world and most importantly, I never have. I came into this world with the distinct experience of having no one to protect me. I must do that on my own. SIXTY years of holding up a wall to support some semblance of safety is exhausting, feels very disconnected, and is a Big One.
If I look at the struggles in my life today, I can see the direct correlation to this core belief of not feeling safe. This awareness is a gift! I will continue my work on this and look to release and let go of the fear. I am most grateful that I was able to uncover it as it has held me back from so much!
Thank you, Two, for helping me get here. You are a great teacher and I love the perspective you bring to the world!